Ok. So I am going to flout my unwritten rule of never writing anything about my life.
I have a huge exam in Microbiology on Tuesday; a big exam in Pathology on Wednesday; I’m tired; I’m obsessed with Creeper Lagoon’s “Under the Tracks”; and I’m sleeping ten hours a day.

To top it all off, I have just heard from a friend that an extremely neurotic person thinks I’m ‘after’ her. To be told that someone for whom you have harbored no sentiment other than that consistent with the most disinterested friendship, which, quite frankly, is about as tepid as they come, is flabbergasting, to say the least. I am flabbergasted. How conceited someone has to be to place that construction on a single phone call, and two messages over a space of three weeks is something I don’t understand. I wanted a book; I thought she wanted a CD.

I’m embarrassed, though I have no reason to be.

Also, another person I know, whom I meet about once a week sends me a couple of messages every day, and calls every other day. She is very sweet, a really nice person. She asks about my studies, and tells me about her day. And she takes it as a matter of course that I shall spend all my time at this place where I meet her, with her. She wants to have coffee, and stuff. I don’t know about this either. Does she want to be more than friends? Or am I completely misconstruing everything? I cant be anything other than a friend to her.

This is worrying me, almost exactly the same thing happened before with a very good friend who wanted more from me than I was ready to give, and its still very weird with her.

I don’t need this. All I want to do is listen to my music, and read, and study something that interests me. I have all of that, and then this gnarled tangle of complications explodes into my life.

I don’t want relationships with just anyone. I’m not superficial that way. I don’t have flings. I don’t care about how hot people are; of the three women I would actually like to get to know better, two I like because they are radiantly smart and write incredibly well, and the other is just about the nicest person I know.
And with them, I struggle to sustain conversations. Go figure.

What I want is a muse. It would be nice if you could just advertise for one.

“Muse / epic love wanted. Duties are not onerous, and will comprise mainly of desultory conversation about books, music, the mind, and the meaning of life. Applicants must have ability to smile appreciatively upon the production of poetry. Occasional accompaniment to places of revelry is required. The pay is no good, but there is an excellent Medical plan. Please apply at the earliest.”

Sigh.